Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A. Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.

Q. What is teenier than a teeny weeny ant ?
A. An ants teeny weeny !

Q.What do you call 2 fleas on top of a bald head?
A. Homeless

Q.What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
A. His Butt

A client in a restaurant complains to the waitress:

``There's cockroach in my borscht!''

``Eat, we have more. I'll bring you a fork.''

THE GRASSHOPPER AND THE ANT

The Original Version:

The ant busts his butt in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and drinks and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

The Liberal Version:

It starts out the same, but when winter comes, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Night Line and charges the ant with "Green Bias" and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Later, Barbara Streisand makes a double platinum recording of the song and banks another six million dollars.

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News and tell a very concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the " Temperatures of the 80's". Bill reports he is sending a new draft Affirmative Discrimination Bill to the Senate and House to codify Government retaliation against sexual harassment and discrimination perpetrated by ants.

Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act", RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in which just happens to be the ant's old house crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "Fairness" has dawned in America.

--

Another Modern Version:

The beginning is the same. Winter comes. The ant sees the grasshopper coming and shoots him dead. Government forces show up. The ant barricades himself in his house. You know the rest.

In a mailing list which I subscribe to there has recently been much debate about non-toxic methods of repelling ant invasions. The Ma Kettle type remedies which were offered usually involved barriers of coffee grounds or baking soda to repel the advancing ant hordes. I felt that these quaint approaches lacked the spirit of violence which is a necessary part of dealing with these insectoidal invaders.

So, here's my contribution to the ant genocide debate.

===================

Method A: AARDVARKS

Application: Sprinkle Aardvarks liberally around ant nests and known ant hang-outs (seedy ant-bars, and the like).

Pros: 100% Natural, little supervision required.

Cons: Once having consumed their fill of ants aardvarks tend to lose motivation. Should they gain control of the TV remote they will waste entire afternoons idly lounging on your furniture, flicking between game shows and forgetting to close the fridge door when they've raided it for yet another six-pack.

Method B: LARGE BOOTS

Application: Obtain a large pair of boots (hobnailed preferably), obtain a friend and arm them with the boots. Apply boots vigorously to the ants.

Pros: Cheap, 100% natural, good course of exercise for boot operator.

Cons: Requires continual application, this necessitates the instilling of a "Holy War Against Ants" attitude in your boot wielding friend. Show them videos of "Them" and "The Hellstrom Chronicles".

Method C: NAPALM

Application: Low level saturation bombing runs by F-111's or similar fighter- bomber military aircraft.

Pros: Immense emotional satisfaction, guaranteed ant genocide, visually spectacular.

Cons: Low level saturation bombing runs tend to lower local property values. Misses can instil ill-feeling in your neighbours should you incinerate schools or houses.

Method D: TECHNO

Application: Arrange Net access for the ants, ensure that they subscribe to Alt.Ant and Soc.Insect. Infiltrate these newsgroups and make frequent posts along the lines of: "My pheromone operating system is better than yours", "Evil drug companies are withholding antennae rot cures" and "Green Cards for Worker Ants Spam" - encourage flamewars to erupt. After a few days ant society will collapse in a sea of internecine warfare, ant neuroses and mass hysteria.

Pros: Emotional satisfaction of toying with their little minds.

Cons: Expense and difficulty of obtaining thousands of teeny-tiny-terminals.

This story is about a rather strange reply for a campground reservation. It is said to be true, but you be the judge.

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "TOILET" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "BATHROOM COMMODE." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

"Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people atone time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late."

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C."

"I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather."

"If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks."

"Remember, this is a friendly community."

A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?" The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?" The snail said, "Could you lend me 10 bucks?" The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch. About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulants!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking
horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to
make me think of women," told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

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